‘What is music to you?’

That was one of the key questions asked when I first entered my GEM class. Well, everyone has different interpretations of music. We have some who see music as their life, passion, simply something to wild time away or perhaps a stress-reliever.

For me, I’d say music is all of the above. Music evokes emotions within me and also calms me down at the same time. Whenever I feel down, I just pop on my headphones (it used to be earpieces last time) and scroll to a song. I have no idea why but my mood and personality can change according to the songs which I listen to. Basically, one could say I am almost in the form of a trance, but I can still feel pain. Thus, if you are thinking ‘can she poke needles or spikes through herself and start dancing?’ please wipe that thought out of your head. It would simply snap me out and then I would chase you to the ends of the earth (or perhaps just until we reach a dead end)

To me, music is something that’s more than just organized sounds. It contains the soul, essence and emotions of the person who created it. By listening, one can perceive¬† what the musician was feeling when the song was written. Sometimes, I can even paint pictures in my head simply by listening to music. Stories. Inspiration. Music helps me find all these.

When I hear people saying that music is their life, I have this temptation to find out exactly what do they mean. What runs through their minds when they say that. Because if someone asks me that, I would say music helped me gain back something which I nearly lost before. My humanity.

Like all humans, I feel pain, sadness, jealousy…from various areas and sections in my life. I admit at one point I got so tired of crying and suffering that I chose to do something crazy. I chose to block out all kinds of emotions as much as possible.

For months I attempted to do that and I nearly succeeded. Now when I look back, I am glad that I did not fully succeed in it because I would have become an empty shell, with no soul and void of emotions. However, I was close to that state. I could no longer laugh nor cry. Always, I would only feel a twinge of sadness when I was upset, and a little smile would creep up on my face when I was happy or amused about something. Worst of all, I was unable to like. I could not bring myself to like anyone anymore out of fear of pain.

One day as I was simply letting time fly past observing those around me, I decided to pick up my handphone and listen to a song. This might sound crazy to many of you, but the moment the first note was played, a bout of emotions came rushing back to me. I felt…human again. It was a mixed feeling. On one hand I was relieved and ecstatic. I could finally feel again and the lost emotions which I have once came back to me. However, for everything there is a price to pay, and my pain came back as well. I chose to embrace it this time.

Now, I would say I am almost back to my normal self. I do not know if this scare of mine will ever fully heal. What I do know is that Music has been my saviour and it has pulled me from the depths of darkness. Music is everything to me. If there ever was a day where Music is wiped out from this world, I would very likely be the first to die. Not physically dead but emotionally…I would not survive. I would be no different from an empty cocoon. My physical shell will still exist but my soul is no longer there.

That is why I am seen nowadays having my headphones around my neck everywhere I go. If i wish to, all i need to do is just pop on my headphones and I can listen to songs. With that, I will keep my humanity and prevent it from ever leaving me again.

What is music to me? To sum things up, music is everything to me. My life, my support, my friend, my familiy, my pillar…everything that is close to my heart and soul.

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